I WAS ACCEPTED TO THE UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON! I'M GONNA BE A HUSKY~!

*hyperventilating*

Ohhhhhhh man. *sigh* February already? Where is the year going?

In recent news, Amy's awake...I haven't heard much about her, but supposedly she's in rehab (thank you, Cat, for all the love <3) and she's doing okay...so that's good.

School is going really well. Like...REALLY well. I found that, on Friday afternoon after school got out, I was pissed at the fact that it was vacation. I'm in love with school this semester! (And, uh, I swear that the fact that I'm in love with my psychology teacher has nothing to do with it. *ahem* More on that later.) But it's going really well. Psych, math, EHAP, and french. The days fly by...and graduation is almost 3 months away. I can't believe it!

But I have been really stressed lately, and because of that, I've been putting on weight. I think this week will be good to shed the rest of the extra pounds, and then some. I'll be walking a lot and such, so that will be good. Everything's been stressing me out...impending graduation, lots of homework, still not certain about college, etc.

I got a nice little break from the stress today, though. Early this morning, at about 8 AM, it was snowing out...my aunt, sister, cousin, and I took the 2 dogs for a walk. It was beautiful out...there wasn't even anyone on the road, and it was snowing lightly while not being bitterly cold. We were walking the path in the woods by the lake near my cousin's house (not a soul around). I was lagging behind like I usually do on my walks (I like to be alone to contemplate) and I just looked up at the snowy sky and for the first time in a long time, I felt completely at peace. That's why I love it here on Nantucket...it's the only place I can come to and be completely at ease. But those few brief moments of peace made the entire trip worthwhile.

In other news, my other cousin and her husband have split up. (Her sister, my other cousin, and her husband split up less than a year ago). Meg (the oldest sister) and Chris, her husband, have been married for almost 5 years. Because of that, I'm really close with Chris...he's a great guy. And they're not saying why they've broken up, but it looks like it's permanent. I heard about it a couple days ago, and then we came down here and saw Meg. Around 6 this morning (I didn't sleep well at all), Chris actually came down the stairs looking for Meg. He had to talk to her, so I told him which room she was in and I guess they talked. There was no way in hell I was going to get back to sleep, so I relocated upstairs to start the book I got at the library yesterday (Jane Austen in Scarsdale) and at around 6:30, Chris came out from Meg's room and looked really sad. At that time it was just starting to snow and Chris was about to leave, so I went over and gave him a hug since I was only half-conscious when I saw him the first time. I probably hugged him for about a minute...I could tell how upset he was and how much I needed it. I feel terrible because I know there's nothing I can do. I had never seen him like that before...he was actually crying. And when you see someone cry who's always making everyone laugh, then you know something's wrong. All is not right with the world, it seems.

So, less than a month after Jeff loses his battle with cancer, I get a call this afternoon from a dear friend who I would trust with my life. She tells me that one of our mutual friends (part of "our gang") ODed on drugs on Wednesday night and fell into a coma. Apparently, she had 26 or so marijuana seeds (4-6 seeds are supposedly a very strong hallucinogen...I can't even imagine what 6 times that amount did to her) and then she downed a bottle of Prozac and finished if off with either alcohol or different drugs (I can't remember what she said.) Either way, her prognosis isn't looking good. There's a good chance that she's going to have permanent brain damage, and that's if she even pulls out of the coma. And who's to say she won't try to kill herself again if she does come out of it?

I'm devastated. Amy was always the bouncy, overly-hyper, fun girl that made everything so much more enjoyable. I had no idea she was even going through depression, let alone that it had driven her to the brink. I don't know what to do, or how to handle this. Jeff was one thing...I didn't know him personally, etc. But Amy??? Totally different story. This is so sudden. I don't know what to do. I don't want to bury another friend. She's only 15 years old, a sophomore in high school...she has her whole life ahead of her.

Tonight, for the first time in my life, I'm praying. I'm praying that she's able to pull out of this and be okay.

To Jeff Hayes, who died too young--

Jeff...though I never met you face to face, the stories I have heard from friends and classmates about your courage and resilience have continued to inspire me since I first moved to Sandwich 2 years ago. I wish that I, like so many others, had been blessed with the opportunity to meet you and become your friend, because I know now that I missed out on a relationship with a truly great guy. You were loved and respected by people who only knew you by name. And now that you're gone, the world seems a bit less bright. We were all rooting for you, and we know you tried as hard as you could. But no one blames you for letting go. You're in a better place now. We all love and miss you terribly. You'll forever live on in our memories and our hearts. You've inspired me to live my life everyday to the absolute fullest, because you never can tell when your time will be up. But I'm certain of one thing: your time was up far too soon. It breaks my heart that you had such a zest for life and were not able to live it the way you wanted to. Yet another example of the injustice of this world, I guess.

We're all thinking of you, and we miss you terribly. And we're all so proud of you and blessed to have known you, for however short a time it may have been.

Rest in peace, Jeff.

1/10/2007

I can't believe it's already 2007. It's my YOG! The year I've been waiting for since forever! LESS THAN 5 MONTHS UNTIL I GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL!

*ahem*. I'm better now. Anyway, I'm kind of pissed about the fact that my vacation went by so quickly. But I got to relax and sleep, which are two things I had forgotten how to do. I also got the first season of Without A Trace and blew through it in less than a week. That show has consumed my life...I'm absolutely obsessed. I go through withdrawls. Anthony Lapaglia and I are engaged...he just doesn't know it yet. <3

So now we're back in school, and the first semester is almost over. There are only 10 school days left until finals (and I only have to take 2! Ahahaha!) Physics is going to kill me. Today was the first day ALL YEAR that Mr. R has actually taught a class. Real good. 10 days left, and he starts teaching us now. (He's been sleeping the other 80 days.) Physics is really the only thing I won't miss about 1st semester. I'll miss my French and English teachers a lot...they're both great. I hope I can stay in touch with them at least until graduation. Next semester should be interesting...not exactly looking forward to PreCalc. Sociology might be semi-interesting (even though the only reason I signed on for it was to have Ms. Kaufman, and now she's not even there anymore), but I'm really looking forward to Psychology. It's something I've wanted to study for a long time, and I hear Mr. Mills is a really great teacher. (And he's gorgeous, which is a big plus.) So that should be interesting.

Spent an hour and a half on my physics homework earlier this evening. We're working on Newton's gravitational laws and equations to that effect. Even though it took a long time, I felt really accomplished when I finished because I actually understood what we were doing. And I worked really hard on it. :)

I'm so glad I finished with my college apps before Christmas vacation...it was so nice to finally get them all finished once and for all. I'm just waiting to hear back from someone...anyone...

And I still don't have much of a personal life. No boyfriend (unfortunately), but a new possibility (a couple, actually) have recently arisen. Both classmates. It's not looking like I'll have classes with either of them next semester, though. But they're both single. And very eligible. :3

I really need to change this layout...it's getting so outdated.

Did I mention that I got my nose pierced? :P (All the way back in October...)

I had such a great weekend!!! We drove up to Nashua on Saturday morning, and I went to my old school's winter formal on Saturday night. :D

The dance was (mostly) a lot of fun. No one recognized me at first, and it was funny to see everyone's reactions when they realized who I was. Maria said to me, "Oh my god, it's like everytime I see you, you've gotten prettier and prettier!" I blushed. xD I looked a lot better this year than I did last year. It was so great to see all my friends again...but then, there were those that just blew me off. Like my "friend" Sarah...I said hi to her and she totally blew me off, but I KNOW she knew who I was. Whatever. Everyone looked so great, and of course it was a blast to see who was there with who. I actually ran into Korey, my 5th and 6th grade "boyfriend" who I haven't seen in about 3 years. He picked me up and gave me the biggest hug I think I've ever gotten! It was really really great to see him. Plus, I saw my old neighbor Jeff who graduated last year...and then I ran into someone REALLY unexpected.

One of my best friends used to be this guy named Steve. (I can't remember if I wrote about that whole debacle in here or not.) We were really really close. We ended up falling for each other before I moved out of Chelmsford, but didn't want to be together with the distance. So we dealt with it as best we could, and then he started dating my friend, who really liked him. He asked me beforehand if I was okay with it and I was, so whatever. Then I heard from a reliable source that he cheated on her with another one of my friends, so I called to ask him about it and we got into an argument and he hung up on me. We didn't talk again after that, and I erased him from my life. I saw him at the winter dance LAST year (so I was a junior, he was a senior) and didn't say anything...we just kind of engaged in a glaring contest. Talk about awkward.

He was at the dance again this year. Yesterday was his birthday, so he figured he would just come party at the dance since that's where everyone would be. I saw him...and I really wanted to say something. So I poked him and asked if I could borrow him for a bit. We went outside and we just TALKED for the first time in almost two years. It felt good just to have that burden of holding a grudge against him lifted off my shoulders. We had been extremely close before the whole ordeal happened, and it was good to be back on good terms with him. So we talked, and he asked for my phone number so we could catch up at some point. Later on, we ended up dancing (slow, of course.) I don't remember the song, but it felt weird. Like we had our chance, and we blew it. After the song was over, he gave me that look like he was gonna kiss me (and I needed to avoid that at all costs), so I kissed him on the cheek and there was whispering and such...stuff like, "I missed you." It was short and sweet. And it felt good, just to get some closure on the whole issue. After the song ended, another slow one came on. And neither of us could find anyone else, so we danced again. The song that played was entitled (oddly enough): "Love Begins Again Tonight". It was all I could do to keep from laughing. Surprisingly enough, I found myself thinking about Phil during most of the song. I still do miss him a lot. When the song was over, Steve and I didn't even look at each other...we just turned and walked in opposite directions. I don't mind. I'm glad it's over. I don't want to go back down that road again. We had our chance...I loved him and he loved me, but it just didn't work. And I've moved on. Forward motion counts, not backward motion.

After the dance, I went back to Tamami's where I was staying and we ate her mom's spectacular cooking (I could have died and gone to heaven!!!). Then we just crashed on the couch and watched Sex and the City...I'm pretty sure I was asleep before the first episode was over; I was so tired. Woke up, took a shower, and had the best freaking breakfast I have EVER had. Bacon potatoes and rice w/ chicken and asparagus and scallions. Abso-fucking-lutely amazing. Then we just watched Riki run away from the cops playing Need For Speed, and then we watched Lost in Translation and Bride & Prejudice. It was a fun afternoon, and it was nice to just chill out after the hell I've been living through for the past month or so, better known as school.

But unfortunately, I am not yet done with my homework...so I should probably try to put a dent in that before Desperate Housewives comes on and it's time to dig into my Chunky Monkey ice cream. Ah, the simple things in life.

Yep. Nothing to do, no one to see. Boring boring boring.

We were supposed to be heading up to C-town tonight, but my mom got stuck on Nantucket for a while so she didn't get home 'til 8:30 or so and didn't exactly want to drive 2 hours up to NH. I was pissed, but now I'm too tired to be pissed anymore. We'll leave first thing in the morning, and then I'll go to Tamami's and get ready for the dance, and then we'll go party all night long! :D I'm so excited...I can't wait for the dance. It's gonna be great to see everyone again. ^__^

I'm feeling like this layout is getting a little old. I'll most likely change it pretty soon.

At the moment, I'm obsessing over Ayu's most recent TV interview. She was interviewed on TalkAsia on CNN International and she answered some of the questions in English! xD She was so cute, I couldn't get over it. She said she's willing to go anywhere and perform, EVEN THE US, as long as there's someone who'll listen!

I'LL LISTEN, AYU!!! JUST COME VISIT! >__

Whew! It's been a rough few weeks. Grades came in a few weeks ago...

French - A+
English - A
EHAP - B+
Physics - B

I'm pretty happy with it...it's kept my GPA at a 4.0 or pretty darned close (French is weighted and EHAP is heavily weighted). So that's good news. And in other excellent news...I've finished my college applications!!! Honestly, it's SUCH a load off. I applied to four schools:

-University of Washington @ Seattle
-Ohio State
-University of the Pacific
-University of Hawaii @ Hilo

I'm not exactly staying local. :P I was going to apply to a couple more, but I didn't really see a point. UDub is where I want to go, and I think I have a good chance of getting in. *knock on wood* I submitted UPacific and UHawaii on Saturday and I submitted OSU and UDub earlier this afternoon. It's nerve-wracking. o__o Now to wait for my decision letters...but at least I'm free for Christmas vacation. xD I might have a life! What a concept!

Plus, I got my SAT scores back from taking them in November...I got a 1940. I'm pretty happy with it. Even though my math grade didn't go up, my overall score went up 70 points. It's definitely a nice improvement from my 1870 from my May SATs.

School has been hell lately...all the teachers are trying to cram like CRAZY before we get off for Christmas vacation. Physics...ugh, don't even get me started. My teacher is such a retard. >__< He spends most of the class talking about Taiwan or tsunamis or other random, completely useless information. He has this fascination with Taiwan because his wife is Taiwanese. My friends and I all have this theory that she only married him to get U.S. citizenship! xD English isn't too bad...I love my teacher and she loves me, so it's all good. I'm her favorite student, which is always a plus. She's just plain hysterical. I can't understand why so many people in my class don't like her...French is easy. Mme Benjamin loves me. Plus, even though I've never taken it before, it comes pretty easily to me. I love speaking different languages. EHAP's coming along okay...I'm a little nervous about our midterm coming up next month. I imagine most of my vacation will be put aside towards studying early-modern European history. *sigh* Such is the life of an eHappy student.

So now that college apps are done, I'm working on my application for the Honors program at UDub. I really want to get in. I really do. I sent my essay to my dad for proofreading, so as soon as he sends that back I have to send in my application because the due date is December 11. Yoink.

I hate the wait...I want to know if I was accepted or not, and I want to know NOW! xD

Man, I feel like I only write here when bad stuff happens. :( I gotta shake myself out of that habit.

I've spent so much time looking forward to the Miss Fairchild show on Friday...I was gonna go down and work merch for the guys again (who I haven't seen in almost 3 months), but I just got off the phone with my aunt and she's like, "Uhhh...we don't have anywhere to put you. Sorry." And I'm pissed because I've been looking forward to this for so long. Oh, screw it. I'll go anyway and just sleep on the beach. =___= There's more to it, but I was just overcome with a flood of exhaustion. More later.

Thank god it's vacation.

God, this was just one of those days where everything in the world came crashing down on my head.

I know I haven't posted here in a while. Nothing exciting has been going on. I'm still feeling extremely bitter and hurt by my botched trip to Japan, and it hurts like hell to remember that this time a year ago, I was getting ready to leave and never got to go. I never got to study abroad there...Emily and I never went for Do As Infinity's last concert...I didn't go with Tamami over the summer cuz my mom suggested I go to Nantucket and work...why can't I just go?!? I honestly feel like if go, evne if it's only for a few weeks, it will improve my current mental state. Being there after everything that happened would be like overcoming everything that I had to face, and I feel like just getting on a plane and GOING.

Today was overwhelming. I got really excited when I heard that our school's sporadic exchange with a French high school is coming up. I thought, "Well, since Japan got shot down, giving this a try would be really cool!" And then I heard that the exchange isn't until next year, and I was crushed. I felt (and still do...that was just this morning) that I would never get out of here. This is the last place I want to be, and I'm just stuck.

I do have a couple of trips coming up...I'm going to Chicago in a week and a half with my grandma to visit a college and visit old family, and go around the old haunts in Naperville. End of November I'm heading back to Nantucket for another Miss Fairchild show either by myself or with Leanne. And then my dad's been talking about the possibility of me going out to Washington to visit UDub and actually going out there. I wish the fact that I was able to go to all these places would make it easier to cope with the disappointment...but honestly, it makes it so much worse. It feels like I can go anywhere except the one place I want to go most. When it boils down to it, the only thing that's different about it is hopping on a different plane, and I can't even do that.

It's hard not having any support nearby. Sure, I have my friends, but none of them can understand from personal experience what I'm still going through almost a year later. My family remains relatively unsupportive...I'm still angry that everyone was GLAD I wasn't going. I mean, I understand that "they care about me and, oh, Japan is far away and it might be dangerous so we don't want you to go", but every single one of them fails to realize that it was something I really REALLY wanted to do. The lack of internal support has been hard to deal with. I told my dad last night that I was having a hard time, and he was just like, "Oh...I'm sorry." And then the conversation moved on.

And I swear to God, if anyone else tells me "I'm sure it was for the best" or "there's a reason for everything" or "don't worry, I'm sure you'll get there someday", I'm going to punch them.

I just want to go. Why can't I? I feel like I'm being punished for something, and it's hard to think about going there for vacation or whatever without becoming completely bitter. I've been crying half the day and my eyes are starting to get really dry.

This whole thing would be so much easier on me if they would just give back the fucking money so I could get over this and move on with my life, and find my own methods of getting there.